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Blagojevich Attempts to Sell the Seat
by
Thomas Hern
On Tuesday, December 9th, 2008, Illinois governor, Rod Blagojevich, was taken into custody on corruption charges alleging he was attempting to auction off the now vacant Senate seat of President-elect Obama for money and/or political favors. He was trying to sell the seat for a position for his wife on a corporate finance board, campaign funds, or a position in Barack Obama’s cabinet as Health and Human Services Secretary or Secretary of Energy.
He was, after all, considering a presidential run in 2016. And he still might try to appoint himself; he already decided before all of this, that if the situation got worse, this action could be some kind of unfeasibly bizarre escape route. Blagojevich was aware of the corruption investigation the whole time. He was not, however, aware of the FBI wiretaps that captured everything he said.
The outrageously delusional thought processes demonstrated by Rod Blagojevich could provide the best defense, if not in avoiding impeachment, then in the event that criminal charges are brought. Stocking the governor’s mansion with an abundance of moon pies and pixie stix could have paved the way for the “Twinkie defense,” which infamously led to the acquittal of Dan White for the murder of gay rights activist, and San Francisco city supervisor, Harvey Milk in 1978. (White was found to have been in diminished capacity caused by a sugar high he got on a junk food binge the day before the homicide.) Requesting that one of the Ambassadorships he was seeking be in Candyland would have bolstered his defense in two areas.
Embellishing on his obvious mental deficiencies may have been overkill for Rod Blagojevich. Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan has already submitted the necessary paperwork to the Illinois Supreme Court, requesting they decide whether the governor is mentally incapacitated. Perhaps Blagojevich wasn’t trying to auction off Barack Obama’s now vacant position as Illinois Senator at all. I would like to hypothesize that the auction might have been for Obama’s actual chair. A solid gold, jewel-encrusted throne in which he pondered legislation, participated in heated debates and, I like to imagine, shot spit wads at the back of Alaska Senator Ted Stevens’ head. Maybe that’s all it was: Just a chair.
Of course, if one brings up Ted Stevens in this whole mess, it had better be for a good reason. It isn’t, but bear with me. Throughout Senator Ted Stevens’ career in the Senate, he accepted quite a few gifts. Home improvements here, a fish statue there, most of which he never disclosed properly to the government. The Stevens’ scandal would provide ample reason for Obama to have wanted to get rid of his solid gold chair, since it must have been a gift; I suspect he has better taste. The governor’s real fault must have still been greed, however, as instead of simply pawning the throne off on some other poor unsuspecting bloke, he chose to try to sell it. It should be obvious how this could have confused prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald; the poor guy was just trying to make a buck off a priceless golden chair, all the while avoiding the fate of Ted Stevens.
So who are the fine folks the governor was courting to fill this seat and fuel his political freight train? In publicly released transcripts, six people have been identified so far. Candidate 1 is President-elect Obama’s advisor and personal choice, Valerie Jarrett. She is of little consequence, since all Blagojevich says she could offer was “appreciation.” Candidate 2 is Illinois Attorney General, Lisa Madigan, who was apparently very surprised because she was not seeking the Senate seat at all, but considering a run for governor. She is also spearheading the aforementioned attempt at having Blagojevich deemed incapable of governing. Candidate 3 is Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky, who wasn’t really even being considered. Candidate 4 is deputy governor Louanner Peters. It’s candidate 5 who is on the front burner right now, and that’s Jesse Jackson, Jr. Jackson denies any involvement in the scandal, claiming the governor is so obviously delusional. Jesse Jr. publicly scolded his father for suggesting behind the scenes at Fox News’ “The O’Reilly Factor” that he would like to personally neuter Barack Obama.
Putting bad jokes aside, many of us wonder why, with the constant corruption investigations and convictions these days throughout the U.S. government and especially in a State like Mr. Blagojevich’s (four Illinois governors in the last forty years have been put behind bars), our elected officials continue to take all of these risks to make a few bucks off the constituency that helped them get where they are. The only conclusion I can arrive at is that they must get away with it nearly one hundred percent of the time.
Comments? Email us at letters@thevalleyamerican.com.
© 2008 The Valley American
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